My daughter and I were watching “Cops” the other day. Now, you might ask, “Why is Dave watching Cops?” Well, watching the boys in blue chasing down bad guys never gets old; plus, it’s a bit of an ego booster to have my daughter turn to me all the time asking, “Did he do that right? Would you have done it that way? How would you use your nightstick, Dad?” I would then spout some wisdom about running, chasing bad guys, and all the times I have done it.
Then there was the episode of Cops that had a rookie police officer being subjected to a practical joke; my daughter asked, “Did they ever play a joke on you when you were a rookie?” Ouch, there goes the boosted ego with just one memory:
The year is 1983; Regan invades Granada, “Gandhi” wins the Oscar, but “Star Wars: Return of the Jedi” is king; but most importantly... I get married to the lovely woman you see me holding in the previous post. Also in that year, yours truly gets a job at the local PD, and is soon cutting a dashing figure in his new blue uniform. Officer Eikenberry is my training officer, and one of the first things he does is take me into the local cowboy bar at noontime. Now for those of you who do not live in the west (not including Southern California), a cowboy bar at noon is going to be a very depressing place. It is filled with old (my age now), toothless, alcoholic women who were the epitome of “Rode hard, put away wet.”
We walk into the dank, smoky bar, and Officer Eikenberry gets everyone’s attention; “I am here to introduce to you one of our new officers; here he is- Officer Dave!” Being new, I was more than happy to puff my chest out and strike a heroic smile in front of these citizens. Just at about the time that the sparkle would be gleaming from my teeth, Officer Eikenberry announces to the drunken women, “And Officer Dave wanted you ladies in particular to know, today is his birthday!” Huh? Today was not my birthday; I turned to explain this mistake to my training officer, only to see him with a Cheshire cat grin on his face.
It was then I noticed that the women were rising from their table and lurching towards me, like a scene from a bad Zombie movie; but instead of chanting, “Brainssss...” they took up they wail of “Birthday kissss...” I thought about drawing my sidearm, but I’m not sure mere handgun ammunition would stop these succubuses’s from sucking my life away with their beer-laden breath. I ended up ducking left and running out the front door, with everyone (but me) laughing, and Officer Eikenberry doubled over and hardly able to breathe.
I got Officer Eikenberry back for that humiliation; oh ya, I got him good. From that point on, whenever he ordered me to get him coffee, I gave him decaf.
PS: The sour expression is obviously because this photo was taken AFTER Officer Eik's prank.