When people find out I’m a cop, they often will ask me the best way to avoid getting a ticket. I have an easy answer
“Don’t break any traffic laws,” I offer, which is invariably followed by a moment of confusion, then a conspiratorial wink:
“Oh, I see, you’re not supposed to tell people how to get out of a ticket"
“No…” I reply, “…I’m happy to tell anyone that they can avoid tickets by not getting pulled over.” Now I think that was very sage advice, but I still get looked at like I just kicked their dog:
“Well, if you don’t want to tell me, just say so! Humph!”
At this point someone will always step forward and share their expert (once watched “Cops” for 38 hours straight) opinion:
“If you cry, they won’t give you a ticket.” That’s a laugh; I can’t count the number of tickets I turned in with tear drops on them.
“I just flirt with them; cops ALWAYS let a cute girl that flirts off with a warning.” No I don’t, because then I would miss the amazing transformation from eye-lash batting to an “Exorcist” screen test, complete with demonic head-spinning when I tell them they are getting a ticket.
“Just tell the cops you have a communicable disease.” After signing the ticket, I just tell them to keep the pen.
“I tell the cops I have diarrhea; they always let me go.” Why would this ever work? It’s not like its going to ruin MY upholstery.
There was one excuse that did work with me, and I’m happy to share it with you all. Was working radar one afternoon when a truck came through at 54 mph in a 30 zone. I pulled the old gentleman over and asked if he knew he was speeding. He said that he did know he was going too fast, and was very sorry. He then held up a his right hand and showed me two fingers, almost completely severed off and still oozing blood from the stumps. He calmly explained it was a table saw accident and he was keen to get to the ER quickly. I never did write him up, but drove him to the hospital instead.
I suppose I’m just a big sucker for someone with an arterial bleed.