Jan 4, 2006

And The Winner Is....

Well, in spite of last week’s curry chicken, (that threatened to inflate my midsection) I am the winner of the Investigative Division’s “Biggest Loser” competition.  Two months ago I weighed in at 248 lbs; today it was 216; a total loss of 32 lbs! 

Now, I know that some guy named Billy Blanks came out with his “Billy’s Boot camp Workout,” so I was thinking, why not cash in myself?  Come out with my own weight loss secrets!  That’s right, for a mere $29.95, (plus shipping and handling) you too can get “Detective Dave’s Homicide Workout”.  Just think, you can pop in the tape and follow me as I do the things that helped me get in shape.  

Step one: we start with some light stretching in “Late Night Call-Out”.  In this portion you loosen up by stumbling around in the dark for 5 minutes, looking for your beeping cell phone, and then try on 4 pairs of your wife’s pants before finding yours, just like I do at 3:00am! 

Now you’re ready for some cardio in the fat-burning “Crime Scene”.  Keep that heart pumping while you bend down to pick up shell casings,reach up high to signal the rookie to bring some more coffee, then twist to see your partner slip in the pool of blood!  

After that comes the muscle-building weight training I like to call “Help The Coroner”.  This is where you squat to grab the body bag, lift and thrust it onto the gurney; feel the burn!  As you get stronger and stronger, the victims get fatter and fatter!  

Then we cool down with 5 minutes of “Press Release”; breathe in deeply, then slowly exhale by spouting platitudes and obfuscations about “Progress in the investigation”.  

After the doubtless successes, book deals, videos, DVDs and tours; I will need a “Part II” in all of this, and it will be all of my diet secrets in “Detective Dave’s Homicide Diet” video.  This will be an entire hour of bloody, violent crime scene video and full color autopsies; you just need to watch before each and every meal; the benefit should be obvious.  

After the smash success of my new workout and diet business, I may not have time to ever write in this blog again, so let me say, “Farewell” to all here and now.  

If you do read me again... that means that the video thing did not work out, and I’m still dog-paddling my sanity across a sea of confusion.

Dave

16 comments:

ladeeoftheworld said...

Sign me up.....too funny!

bgilmore725 said...

I believe you have another calling to take up when you retire from all this physical detectiving... comic relief... congratulations on the weight loss! Bea

lurkynat said...

oh my! did your partner erally fall na pool of blood!
I can see that those bodies are ehavya fter awhile but I never dreamed that a detective would have to lift one! sheesh!
natalie

psychfun said...

Thanks for the laughs, but I know that is so true! You might not have to be a detective anymore either! Although if you really love it down deep that wouldn't be a good thing, but you could take it or leave it & that feeling is good. Congrats on winning & whats more losing that amount & being more healthy! Even better for the cruise! ;-) UGH a cruise...don't gain it all back! You better make sure you do....ahhh..."exercise!" HA! Burn that buffet off! :-) I love the trying on your wifes pants part! HA! Have to put your phone in same spot every night & put your pants in one spot...just like getting those clothes ready for leaving for the hospital when the wife says "Dear it is time!" Stay Safe!

tlgf1968 said...

way to go ya big loser!  ;)  your workout & diet would definitely be a hit.  holy hell -- i lost a few laughing my arse off reading your entry.  kudos!

ally123130585918 said...

Dave I definitely think you are on to something here...."Detective Daves Homicide Workout"....could you also add a clip of you trying on wifes pants - just to add a bit a spice to the video...lol..."Pick up - Signal - Twist...Slide" ..all set to music I hope...sounds exhilarating...."Squat -down - Lift - Thrust " ......looking forward to weights getting heavier.....And the Cream on the Cake...."Detectives Daves Homicide Diet"....I would say this would cure the eating habit permanently - Just think of the Money we could save not having to buy food.. YES Dave I think you are on to a winner here.....They may even want to make it into a Block Buster Movie...Can I please have your Autograph....Haha......Ally

dawngepfer said...

OMGosh, I am ROTFLMAO!!!  You are TOO funny!!!
Dawn (not linking my journal because...  well, never mind why.  I'm just not.)  

njmom72 said...

Dave, you are sooo funny...I always look forward to your entries! ROFL!

~ Susan
http://njmom72.blogspot.com

krspkrmmom said...

Congrats on the weight loss!  I think the videos will go over very well.  Where do I send the money?  LMAO

Annie =)

demandnlilchit said...

Extemely funny! I actually did laugh out loud (lol)

dragonrose3911 said...

I almost hate to say this.....but I'd buy the video....:D
Felicia

zosche973 said...

LOL LOL ~Diane~

screaminremo303 said...

I was hoisting a bubbler last week and he was so fat that the cheap-ass bag from the ME ripped open, spilling "stuff" all over my new boots. I hate it when that happens...

Nice work on the diet. Is first prize a free pizza?

sunnyside46 said...

works for me
congrats on your weight loss!
marti

jevanslink said...

Congratulations for shedding thirty-two pounds!!  Down to 216.  I just hope you're not 5'6".    Mrs. L

mumma4evr said...

looking for the 800 number...where is it?
Becky