Well, in spite of last week’s curry chicken, (that threatened to inflate my midsection) I am the winner of the Investigative Division’s “Biggest Loser” competition. Two months ago I weighed in at 248 lbs; today it was 216; a total loss of 32 lbs!
Now, I know that some guy named Billy Blanks came out with his “Billy’s Boot camp Workout,” so I was thinking, why not cash in myself? Come out with my own weight loss secrets! That’s right, for a mere $29.95, (plus shipping and handling) you too can get “Detective Dave’s Homicide Workout”. Just think, you can pop in the tape and follow me as I do the things that helped me get in shape.
Step one: we start with some light stretching in “Late Night Call-Out”. In this portion you loosen up by stumbling around in the dark for 5 minutes, looking for your beeping cell phone, and then try on 4 pairs of your wife’s pants before finding yours, just like I do at 3:00am!
Now you’re ready for some cardio in the fat-burning “Crime Scene”. Keep that heart pumping while you bend down to pick up shell casings,reach up high to signal the rookie to bring some more coffee, then twist to see your partner slip in the pool of blood!
After that comes the muscle-building weight training I like to call “Help The Coroner”. This is where you squat to grab the body bag, lift and thrust it onto the gurney; feel the burn! As you get stronger and stronger, the victims get fatter and fatter!
Then we cool down with 5 minutes of “Press Release”; breathe in deeply, then slowly exhale by spouting platitudes and obfuscations about “Progress in the investigation”.
After the doubtless successes, book deals, videos, DVDs and tours; I will need a “Part II” in all of this, and it will be all of my diet secrets in “Detective Dave’s Homicide Diet” video. This will be an entire hour of bloody, violent crime scene video and full color autopsies; you just need to watch before each and every meal; the benefit should be obvious.
After the smash success of my new workout and diet business, I may not have time to ever write in this blog again, so let me say, “Farewell” to all here and now.
If you do read me again... that means that the video thing did not work out, and I’m still dog-paddling my sanity across a sea of confusion.