Most of the time when a very funny report crosses my desk, it's because some criminal has made a mockery of natural selection and redefined the term stupid. However, every now and then it's not the crooks who make me giggle...
A patrol officer was in a foot chase with some miscreant the other night. Foot chases are always tough for cops; we are loaded down with guns, ammo, radio, bullet-proof vest, cool sunglasses, nightstick, cell phone, and two glazed donuts. The guy actually out in front doing the felony two-step only has on him a sweatshirt, filthy jeans, a pair of shoplifted Adidas, and $60.00 worth of amphetamine coursing through his veins. So the best we hope for is keeping the defendant in sight until the cavalry arrives.
Said bad guy (let's call him Freddy Felon) is running toward his own nearby house. Freddy goes right into the front door and locks it behind him. Not wanting to follow this guy into his own home without backup, the cop sets up a perimeter, which is quickly formed around the house. Cops then spend about 15 minutes pounding on the doors and windows, demanding that Freddy come out and play; but there is no answer. About an hour later, the patrol supervisor arrives on the scene with a warrant to search the home. Because of the particularly violent history of Freddy Felon, the cops do not wish to risk their lives going in after him, and why should they? CS gas is pumped into the house.
After delivering enough CS gas to clear Berkley University, Police finally enter and check. With gas masks on, 5 cops search high and low in the house, pulling open cabinets, tipping over furniture to look underneath, but no suspect is found. About 3 hours into the search, as things are winding down, one of the cops on perimeter hears a sound coming from the area of his car. He looks and sees someone frantically pounding from inside the back of his patrol car. He goes over, and there is Freddy Felon, seated in the back. The cop opens the door and the guy screams, "What are you doing to my house!"
It seems that just before the perimeter guys arrived, Freddy went out the back door, right after he entered the front door, and hid in the back yard. But as soon as all the police cars arrived, he knew that he would be found, so he surrendered to a police car, only to find the driver had already gotten out to help secure the house. So he decided to sit in the back seat and wait for the officer to return. He then watched the entire event unfold, kicking in his front door, tossing gas into his house, hearing all of the searching go on for the hours he sat there. Freddy spent the entire time yelling that he was in the police car, but no one could hear him, and police car rear doors cannot be opened from the inside.