I have been a cop for 24 years. During that time I have saved lives, arrested criminals, and placed my life on the line for others. For the past 15 years I have been on the SWAT Team, rising to the position of lead instructor in the state's sniper school. During my time as a detective, I have investigated many murders, placing several killers behind bars.
However, today I received more recognition, accolades, and respect than during all my years on the job. Today I accomplished something that had everyone congratulating me; that's right, my name was on everyone's lips today. Detective Sigler told me that I was, "The pride of the detective division." Detective Hammie wrote my name on the case whiteboard next to my accomplishment. People came all the way from the City Jail to ask me if I had really done the impossible.
What did I do? Was it rescue a child? Did I take a bullet for the governor? Cure cancer? No.
I ate 10 pretzels in under a minute.
I blew away the old record of 8, set by some of the jail staff yesterday. It's pretty hard here on top; everyone is now gunning for me, wanting me to do the feat again or wanting to top my record themselves. I think I could make some money on writing a "How to" book; telling everyone (who gives me $19.95) the secrets of chewing, and then swallowing without spit.
Well, top of the world one minute, forgotten the next. Such is the life of the professional pretzel eater.